A Poem Woven of Ache and Beauty
November 8th, 2013 | by Jedd Medefind | Categories: Adoption, Foster Care | 1 Comment
No longer will I bleedSo pitifully I stretchout my hand.I clench my fist till mywrist bleeds.my body bleeds dry asI sit in a closet in order to contain these emotionsin hopes they wouldnot define me,yet they consume me,they torture me and I bleed.Those emotions release suppressed memories.Displaying all my insecuritiesmocking my dignity,stolen from meThey take all the mirrors andsurrounded meand I see nothing!Not even my reflection.However, I’m not sure ifI want to see my reflectionstanding in a puddle of painI stood as my mindsetIs unable to move.Still I get ready to smilethe camera captures on twoRight after that yellow light flashes…I turn back to black to blueI need not to beplaced in pityI am already thereas well as the voices in my head, andthe shadows thatI could not run from.With every step I take theyfollow me, they take from metill I have nothing but my name,And I shall hold on to itFor it is the only thingthat remains the same.It is the only thing I amsure of andthough people may change it,it shall not changeSo I shall carry it with all itsdisgrace. With all its shame.I shall embrace itWith all its beautythat will never change.My only trace of consistency, though I live in constant change, inevitablyrunning from the shadows, that haunt me.I ran from state to state of mind.I shall run no more!I must face thosewho defaced my mentality.Causing me toConfuse my worthdue to the workof human hands.Given over to the ideas of promiscuitybecause someone decided toerase barney and barbies fromthe t.v.Games lost their meaning“let’s play hide and seek”In Fright, I would hide, in hopes that heMight not find me,Just for one night,everything would be alright.In my innocentmind I wondered why Icould not just turn over the sand. Rewind time.I wished someone could see in my hazel eyesthat I cried as I tried toverbalize all the words I could not find in my undeveloped mindto let you know,I was becominga tool that grown menmasturbate to.I used to sit in closets to containmy insecurities.Closets helped me suppressthose imageries and memoriesof people who touched mewhile claiming they wouldprotect me.They spoke of loveI believed it to be fickleStill I got ready to smilethe camera captured on twoRight after that yellow light flashes…I turned back to black to blue.After all the flashes, my light burnt out.I walked in darkness.When the shadows caught up with me,I had learned that most peoplebelieve what they were told to believe.Manipulation was key.I told them to believe the smileThat I had been taught to believe from a lotof good liars: mostly meBut I took an eraserto that smileand ripped the ban-aidoff my heart.I am prepared for surgery.Ready for God to repair meand whisper softlyto that little girl inside of mesomething comfortingso that she may sleep andno longer worry about themonsters on her bednor the shadows in her headThey who have died,Shall remain dead.But I can no longer play deadin a world I was born to live inno longer can I survive off theemptiness that filled me.So I will re-open allthose self-healed wounds and allowfor true healingWhen I gain the strengthto get up and walk out of thedarknessI will claim his lightNo longer will I look atthe distorted shadows of lustI shall see the beauty of trust,the beauty of life that the light bringsFinally I will be called by name: Beloved.I will stretch out my hands.No longer will I bleed.I will stretch out my handsand He will grab hold of me.